This guy again? Motherfucker please.
Hello my little darlings. Its been a while and I cant help that things keep sucking. I kinda ran out of steam towards the end of the initial blog and for that I apologize. If it were up to me Id have vitriolic spew being put down at a record pace… but alas I just couldn’t muster up the feeling to explain the nature of “suck” anymore.
That was then. This is now. Thanks to this new forum and a reinvigorated sense of nausea I now have another outlet to be able to explain and point out these things that uhhh how you say… suck a long hard one.
OK enough with remember when… Here is goes. Don’t get scared now.
I wasn’t terribly excited about the movie Kick Ass when I first read about it. Comic book movies are still apparently King Shit of Hollywood Mountain so it didn’t surprise me to see that yet ANOTHER comic book was being adapted into a ANOTHER flashy colorful movie.
I ended up being hung over earlier this week and I snagged a rental copy from my local redbox out of sheer boredom. I had no idea what I wanted to see and it seemed to pop out and go HEY maybe Im good!?!?
Maybe was wrong. What I was right though was my suspicion of Kick Ass sucking. Which it did.
(click read more to finish article)
Kick Ass sucks.
(written by Daniel Pule)
It seems like the people involved in making the movie were somehow under the impression that they were being innovative or groundbreaking. I’m not putting some special emphasis on it being unoriginal because originality doesn’t really exist anymore. Thanks to the vomit of comic book adaptations that have littered our cinemas for the last 10 years, we have seen these same tired old clichés over and over again, some for better… some for worse. The movie makes several references to this throughout the running time oddly enough. Whether its quoting or misquoting another popular superhero movie or just boilerplating the generic superhero drama the movie certainly tries hard to be A LOT of things. A Superhero movie… An R rated comedy… A teen comedy… a franchise starter… A shockingly violent and envelope pushing tour de force (which is certainly is NOT) blah blah blah.
There were so many tonal shifts in the movie that It gave me a fucking headache. We get bombastic superhero music scenes, Teenage high school rock music bookend scenes… we even get a spaghetti western type musical number that clearly says “Somebody watched Kill Bill on DVD a lot.” FART. Its like the film is put together using building blocks from other conventional mediums and placing them on top of one another without being a clear or concise work.
I felt myself getting bored outta my goddamned mind halfway through this turd.
Nicholas Cage isn’t nearly as annoying as you might think, but wearing a mask for half the movie certainly helps that fact.
Moving on.
The thing that bugs me the most is that “Kick Ass” gives the appearance that it is aware of how self referential to the genre it is while simultaneously taking itself VERY serious and lacks any humor it might want to appear to have. Which is unfortunate because there are A LOT of stupid… STUPID jokes and one liners meant to evoke a boner from anyone under the age of 15. It sucks when a movie intends to be funny whilst having no sense of humor about itself.
The fact that it doesn’t know what it wants to be doesn’t really bother me so much as they pandering bits of unwatchable crap that is put in the movie for seemingly the sole purpose of getting male viewers in the 14-18 year old range (and like minded adults) to go (insert adolescent expletive here) There is a scene where our two relatable superheroes are driving around town in a sports car… dancing to a popular song… and enjoying being masked crime fighters. This scene is completely pointless and idiotic and flat out spoon feeds the audience into feeling something about and/or between the two characters. I mean this is as simple as “Hey look at the superheroes being badasses in a sports car! That’s so cool!” FUCK really???? That’s the joke?
The majority of these offenses however comes from the character “Hit Girl”… a 10 year old lethal assassin and superhero who talks like a sailor and murders people indiscriminately throughout the movie. She is apparently the one thing practically anyone who has seen this movie loves. It is obvious that she has been written into the movie so that the “Holy Fuck” factor can be upped… thereby shocking and exciting the audience at the same time. Bullshit. I fucking saw through this ploy as soon as she came on the screen. Im serious… as soon as the character of Hit Girl is introduced in the movie I felt myself being pulled out of the picture. Its just cheap and stupid and easy. Hey shes a little kid! Shes on a murderous rampage! She just (insert action cliché here) and said (insert adult expletive here)!
The movie is too damn long on top of all this, essentially adding a 4th act when they could have easily turned the movies entire plot into 2 full feature films.
I know some of you are going “Hey Danny it was based on a comic book so you cant fault the movie for any of these decisions” Well Im gonna call you an idiot because the idea of making a film adaptation of the comic was in the works BEFORE THE FIRST ISSUE WAS EVEN RELEASED. So yeah… that argument is bullshit. The idea of a comic and a movie was a simultaneous project. Ive never read the comic but I hear its much different than the film version. Id be interested in seeing if that’s true.
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